I Get What I Need

I did a lot of preparation for Yom Kippur this year. I felt like I really needed Yom Kippur this year more than I have in years past. I'm not sure why, but I have been dealing with a lot of stuff from my past over this past year, and I felt a desperate need to draw near to G-d again, and maybe to put closure on the old stuff and move on.

The day of YK itself wasn't what I had hoped or expected to be, but it was what I needed. Sometimes we don't know what we need. I'm not saying YK wasn't good, just that I didn't know what I needed and I got what I needed, not what I thought I needed, and I wasn't real happy about it. I had swine flu a few weeks ago and it took several weeks to get over. I fasted when I probably shouldn't have. I needed water more so than food, because I still had a lot of chest congestion. I was tired and physically in pain, and in a bad mood. Everyone was annoying. They should really have a section in the synagogue for people who are there to pray intensely and don't want to be bothered by people talking to them, climbing over them, or talking to the people behind them.

Between feeling like crap and the difficulties of being significantly overweight in a crowd, I realize that Health should be my focus this year. This means focusing on myself, something I am not good at. I don't take care of myself. I have always been horrible at it. But I need to learn. If I had to stand before G-d right now, I'd have a lot of explaining to do when it comes to not taking care of the physical body that G-d gave me to use in this life. And I guess that's how I am going to have to think of my body in order to get the motivation to take care of it.